GeekBlog May, 18th 2011 by Todd Bristow

Stop Cryin’ Before I Give You Something To Cry About

Ok, last week a friend on Facebook posted a comment on how today’s Hollywood film makers need to pay less attention to their calculators and more attention to scripts. Uh-huh. Before that I had a brief argument with a friend over Hollywood’s recent “hatred” of original ideas; every movie last year was a remake, reboot, sequel, or adaptation of a teevee show or book or comic.

Snore. There’s nothing more boring than unoriginal cookie cutter arguments about unoriginal cookie cutter Hollywood.

You know why people in Hollywood are busy with their calculators? Because they are counting the money you people paid to watch the latest thing you people hate. Look carefully at my phrasing; latest thing you people hate, not the one thing, the only thing. The Hollywood dream factory keeps turning out those movies because they make money. Ask an Ayn Randoid about market forces – what they’ll tell you won’t do you much good, but it will make me happy knowing you suffered nearly as much as I did when I read your blithering idiocy regarding what “Hollywood needs to do”.

It isn’t about what Hollywood needs to do. It is about what you need to do. You need to stop paying to see movies you think stink. You need to start paying for movies you think are great, at a theater. And then you need to purchase the pay-per-view (does that even exist anymore?). Watch it on Netflix and buy the dvd/blue-ray. Buy your friends and family the dvd/blue-ray. Buy merchandising related to that holyfuckthatwasthebestwrittenfilmevar. Then Hollywood will take notice.

It’s your fault. You know how many original, well written movies are made every year? Plenty. But you don’t go see them. You don’t buy them. You let them rot as soon as they leave Sundance/Insert-random-film-fest-here. Oh I’m sorry, you feel entitled to sit back and wait for Hollywood to serve it up on a silver tray? Well then quit complaining. What amazes me is there are enough Hollywood producers who care to make those movies even though they know you won’t go see them. So they make the tent pole film, the big blockbuster, the adaptation/remake/sequel that they know you will shell out the shekels to see, so they can finance the low budget loser you won’t watch because they care despite your ambivalence.

And on the original thing – give me a break — I’m sorry, this is an Ugly Couch Show blog – give me a fuckin’ break. When my friend complained about Hollywood’s “recent” hatred of originality, I composed a list of over twenty Oscar™ winners that were adaptations from other media, sequels, and remakes. He commented, “That list is movies over the years, I’m talking about last year alone.” Well I drew my list at random, random enough that I’ll wager if you research the top twenty movies of any year in the 20th century you will find far more were AdaptationRemakeSEquel (henceforth ARSE™) than you think; if you were thinking to begin with.

To spell it out, my point is not that Hollywood is making original movies or loves originality, but that Hollywood has been doing ARSE™ for its entire history and you do not impress me with your shocking revelation.

And I love movies. I love Hollywood movies. ARSE™ or not. Come back when you have a truly original criticism of Hollywood. Otherwise, why the fuck are you reading this blog?

-Kommander K



  • mastertorgo says

    You know what I hate about Hollywood? Not enough mayonaise. Plus, you hardly see Luck Dragons anymore… and when is Coupon: The Movie getting released? I need to see it. I don’t want to be brought up on charges.

  • Steve says

    A-fucking-men. There are no original stories. The only thing original is the writer’s point of view. And even that is subject to how well he or she has assimilated or rejected his or her culture’s values, conventions, etc.

    Watch TCM on any given day and you’ll see plenty of crap from the “good old days”. We only hear about/remember/conserve the good ones.

    Give ’em hell, Kommander!