Damn these kids today

February 6, 2010 | 1 Comment

I just bought a new phone. It’s a fancy thing that slides open two ways, one way for a numerical keypad and one way for a keyboard. However, it was made for pixies. I have big thumbs. I’m an American; I eat raw beef and shit steel beams. I ride a horse to the 7-11 to buy beef jerky and diesel fuel for my siege engines and fuck machines. Though my wrists may be skinny, my hands are of a man, and thus, ALL phones are incapable of handling my inherently masculine dexterity. I try to thumb a message out and unless i use the tips of my nails the sentence is garbled. And don’t even get me started on the touchscreen phones, the iphones and such. The only thing worse than not being able to thumb out a text message on those tiny keyboards is having to try to do it on a screen that gets all oily and smudgy. It’s bad enough you have to press this piece of plastic against your face to talk and have it pickup any oil on your face.

I want to get one of those bluetooth old school rotary phones and work like a cellular. I’ll carry that 5 pound hunk of metal around just to prove a point. You had to work to call someone then. You could seriously hurt your finger in one of those things. I like that. I like a phone with some weight to it. I want people to avoid me when I’m pissed off because I could smash their brains in with the phone I’m yelling into.

That’s all.